Titles Shape Our Subconscious: The Hidden Pitfalls of a ‘a marriage based on friendship’

Relationships come with different titles:

Friend, lover, spouse, parent…

Each title carries its own expectations, roles, and emotional depth, influencing our subconscious behaviors and thoughts. But have you ever felt a slight unease when hearing the phrase “a marriage based on friendship”?

While emotional closeness is crucial in a marriage, it is built on trust and commitment—not just friendship.

The Fundamental Difference Between Friends and Spouses

Friendships are easygoing relationships. You maintain a comfortable distance, engage with each other when it’s enjoyable, and step back when things become unpleasant. However, marriage is fundamentally different.

A married couple supports each other through life’s highs and lows, sharing both joy and suffering. They build a home together and commit to facing challenges as one.

For example, if one person falls seriously ill, a friend may say, “Take care” and offer moral support. But a spouse will stay, care for them, and share the burden of recovery.

If a marriage is framed primarily as a “friendship,” this subtle distinction can lead to emotional detachment, making partners less reliable in times of real need.

The Risks of a Friendship-Based Marriage

Defining a marriage primarily as a friendship may lead to the following issues:

• A diminished sense of mutual care: The titles of ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ serve as reminders of the commitment and consideration partners should have for each other.  (If you feel uncomfortable with the words ‘husband’ or ‘wife,’ trying phrases like ‘Beloved one’ might be a good idea?)

（For same-sex couples, the way they refer to each other may vary, but perhaps using ‘Beloved one’ instead of ‘best friend’ better captures the depth of their relationship.）

• Blurred Lines Between Comfort and Neglect: While freedom is important, too much emphasis on individualism can lead to complacency, causing the relationship to stagnate.
• Diminished Romantic Connection: When friendship takes precedence, romance may gradually fade, turning the relationship into a platonic partnership rather than a marriage.

Studies suggest that long-distance couples who successfully maintain their relationship often do so because they are engaged or married. The symbolic commitment of a ring or the title of “fiancé(e)” reinforces their bond, keeping their connection strong despite physical separation.

Similarly, in marriage, if spouses think of each other merely as “close friends,” their bond may weaken over time, leading to emotional distance.

How Do You Refer to Your Partner in Your Mind?

In one marriage counseling case, a wife internally referred to her husband as:

• “Useless”
• “Idiot”
• “Loser”

Meanwhile, the husband thought of his wife as:

• “My princess.”

Despite their conflicts, the husband continued to cherish his wife as his partner. Once the wife realized this, she reflected on her own mindset, leading to reconciliation and a renewed appreciation for their relationship.

How we label our partners internally shapes how we perceive them. If you refer to your spouse as “just my best friend,” that might be exactly what they become—rather than a life partner.

Marriage Is a Lifelong Partnership

Marriage is not just about companionship—it is about walking through life together as partners.

That is why weddings are significant milestones, why family bonds are formed through marriage, and why raising children (if applicable) becomes a shared responsibility.

A lasting, fulfilling marriage requires continuous effort, mutual respect, and an understanding of what it truly means to be life partners.

Are You Taking Comfort in the Idea of a ‘a marriage based on friendship’?

Marriage is more than just being “good friends.” It’s about being co-pilots in life, growing together, and facing challenges as a team.

If you’ve chosen to be married, why settle for being mere friends when you can be true partners on life’s journey?

Isn’t it true that the deep journey of love that only couples can experience enriches your life?