“Divorced people are experienced and know what they want” — Really? Let’s think again.
You’ve probably heard things like:
“She’s been married before, so she must be a good catch.”
“He knows the value of a home—he’s lived through it.”
These phrases pop up a lot in conversations about dating and relationships lately. Sure, it’s a good thing that we’re beginning to see divorce in a more nuanced, less negative light. But when we start treating it like a qualification or a merit badge, that’s where things get a little tricky.
Divorce isn’t an achievement — it’s a process
Getting married is no small feat. But ending a marriage? That often takes even more strength.
And yet, there’s a tendency to view someone who’s been married as having “proof” that they were once chosen — that they passed a test others didn’t.
But let’s pause for a moment.
If marriage is a kind of “credential,” then what about the fact that it didn’t last?
It’s risky to assume the next relationship will work just because someone has already experienced marriage. Without understanding why it ended, we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
People tend to end up with those who mirror them — for better or worse
In both dating and marriage, people are often drawn — consciously or unconsciously — to those who reflect their own state.
The disorganized end up with the disorganized.
The “caretaker” types are often drawn to people who want to be taken care of.
We don’t always seek out what’s good for us — sometimes we seek what feels familiar, even if it’s unhealthy.
In that sense, divorce is rarely just one person’s “fault.”
It’s often the result of how both people chose, communicated, and connected.
Unless there were extreme circumstances, both sides usually played a role.
“They’ve been through so much—they’ll treat me better” is a dangerous hope
There’s a common idea: “Someone who’s gone through a divorce will surely value their next partner more.”
It’s a hopeful thought. But here’s the catch:
If you expect someone to treat you well because they’ve been hurt before, you’re not building trust — you’re building dependency.
You’re hoping they’ll “do better this time,” perhaps even “heal” through their relationship with you.
But that kind of dynamic puts too much pressure on the other person — and sets you both up for imbalance.
When those hopes are disappointed, the story becomes: “They hurt me too. I guess I was wrong again.”
And the cycle repeats.
The real question is: What did they learn?
Divorce isn’t a flaw. It happens to plenty of good, thoughtful people.
But what really matters is this:
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Why did they choose to get married in the first place?
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Why didn’t it work out?
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And most importantly — what have they learned about themselves since?
Maybe they rushed into marriage because of external pressure.
Maybe they ignored red flags and hoped things would change.
Maybe they took kindness for granted and forgot to show appreciation.
Whatever the reason, failed relationships always leave clues.
And those clues point not just to the other person’s flaws — but to the dynamic they created together.
Even in love, respect matters
One truth I’ve come to believe deeply is this:
Familiarity does not excuse disrespect.
Even in a close relationship — even with family, a spouse, or a lifelong partner — respect and thoughtfulness matter.
Take those for granted, and distance will start to grow, no matter how many years you’ve spent together.
What really matters is whether you can walk alongside each other
Being divorced doesn’t make someone more valuable.
Nor should it make them less.
What truly matters isn’t what happened in their past.
It’s whether, right here and now, you both feel:
“I think I could walk through life with this person.”
That’s the only real advantage — and the only place from which a healthy relationship can begin.
So instead of relying on assumptions or labels, trust your own eyes.
Your own clarity is the most valuable guide you have.
Thanks for reading — and see you again soon.
