What Are You Actually Aiming For—Success, or Permission to Fail?
Is “It’s okay to fail” really an encouraging message?
In recent years, many self-help books, talks, and online influencers have emphasized the importance of failure. You’ve likely heard messages like:
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“It’s okay to fail.”
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“Please, fail more!”
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“We need environments where failure is accepted.”
At first glance, these phrases seem warm, open-minded, and progressive. But I can’t help feeling a strange discomfort whenever I hear them.
Maybe what people truly want to say is, “Don’t be afraid of failure. Just try.”
But the word “failure” itself carries a heavy weight.
Once that word is spoken, the mind can’t help but lock onto it—even if the original intention was positive. This is because our brains tend to amplify whatever imagery is tied to emotionally loaded words.
The Caligula Effect and the Power of Suggestion
Imagine being told during your first driving lesson, “Don’t crash into the pole.” Suddenly, your brain zeroes in on the pole—as if it were a target—and you might end up steering toward it, not away.
This is similar to the Caligula Effect, a psychological phenomenon where trying to suppress an idea only makes it more vivid. If I say, “Don’t think of a dandelion,” what’s the first image that pops into your head?
It’s not your fault. Our brains work through images and associations, not just logic.
The same happens in sports: one team member’s mistake can ripple through the entire team, not because others want to fail—but because failure became the dominant image.
Words—and the mental pictures they trigger—deeply shape our outcomes.
So what happens when we say, “It’s okay to fail”?
Ironically, the brain might emphasize failure itself, pulling us further away from success or forward movement.
“Failure is the mother of success,” but…
That well-known proverb only holds true when it’s paired with action:
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“This method didn’t work. Let me analyze why and try something better.”
In other words, it’s not failure that leads to success—it’s improvement that does.
Repeating the same failed attempt over and over won’t create change. As Albert Einstein is (often) quoted:
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Failure, by itself, isn’t noble or productive. It’s only when someone reflects, adapts, and persists with determination that failure becomes fuel for success.
But let’s be honest—this level of grit and analytical effort isn’t easy to sustain. It takes passion, curiosity, and a fair amount of emotional resilience.
The Real Power of “Small Successes”
Luckily, there’s another path: building small wins.
Even the tiniest achievements help us gather momentum. They teach us: “I can change things. I can move forward.”
My Own Experience: Living with Atopic Dermatitis
Since childhood, I’ve struggled with chronic skin conditions like eczema. While not medically “curable,” I’ve found ways to manage it and live more comfortably. And that journey has been full of personal “success experiences.”
Here’s what helped me:
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Training myself not to scratch
I consciously avoided touching itchy skin. This worked to some extent—but I’d still scratch in my sleep. I realized willpower alone wasn’t enough. -
Treating from the inside
When I received hormone-based treatment, my skin temporarily cleared up. This made me realize how much the internal state of the body affects the surface. I started paying attention to dietary factors like isoflavones. -
Using traditional food therapy
I began adjusting my meals using the Five Flavors (sweet, spicy, sour, bitter, salty)—a concept from Eastern medicine. This subtle tuning helped regulate my body’s responses. -
Finding the right skincare
Taking the advice of a cosmetic scientist, I completely reviewed my skincare routine. I finally found soap and products that suited me, reducing discomfort and even letting me enjoy makeup again.
What changed wasn’t just my skin.
The real transformation was mental.
I began to believe—genuinely—that improvement is always possible. This belief came from direct experience.
How Success Changes the Way We Think
When you’ve built a track record of “I tried this, and it helped,” your thinking naturally shifts to: “What’s the next thing I can try?”
You stop spiraling into thoughts like: “I’m just hopeless.”
Everyone’s version of success is different. But here’s one truth I’ve found to be universal:
Success builds momentum.
Even micro-successes shift our mindset from fear to possibility.
A Quote I Love
“When you reach for the stars, you may not get one—but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.”
—Leo Burnett
This quote reminds me of the power of direction. When we aim high, even if we miss, we don’t fall backward—we fall forward.
That’s what striving should be about.
Failure is not the goal. It’s simply a part of the process.
The Cultural Power of Words
In Japan, we have an old belief called kotodama—the “spirit of words.”
It’s the idea that words carry energy, shaping not only how others feel, but also how reality unfolds.
Interestingly, modern neuroscience supports this too: the words we use affect how our brain interprets the world.
Think of how the phrase “summer sun” instantly evokes heat and brightness.
Or “winter stars” makes you imagine a clear sky and crisp air.
These aren’t logic-based responses—they’re emotional, sensory, and embodied.
So when we repeatedly say, “It’s okay to fail,” what are we really imprinting on ourselves?
Why not try these alternatives:
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“I’m proud of myself for trying.”
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“I took a step forward today.”
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“That was brave of me.”
These phrases keep your eyes on the path ahead.
Final Thought: Where Are You Headed?
Being “negative” isn’t always bad. Sometimes it protects us—like avoiding a red light or assessing real danger.
And everyone defines “failure” differently.
But what truly matters is this:
Where do you want to go?
If you know that, then every step—whether graceful or clumsy—takes you closer.
Even if you trip, even if you hit a storm, it’s just part of the journey.
Whether something is a failure or not… might not be worth worrying about at all.
